The art of the pejorative

By Garrison Keillor | Special to The Washington Post

PUBLISHED: October 31, 2017 at 9:26 am | UPDATED: October 31, 2017 at 9:29 am

When his old campaign manager was indicted Monday, Mr. Trump called me on the phone, crying like a baby, and begged me to endorse him. I said, “You’re already president, Mr. President. You were elected.” He said, “I’d still like your endorsement.” I have a recording of the phone call. It’s so sad. Donald Trump is done. He couldn’t get elected dogcatcher in New York, his hometown. I was very very nice about it. Very nice. But New Yorkers love dogs and he does not. There are 14 recorded instances of him kicking small dogs, and I have documentary proof of all but two of them.
Plus many other instances of him running around grabbing women’s cats. Knocked on the door, grabbed the cat, walked away. Just to show that a famous rich guy could get away with it. Where is the apology? No, the man couldn’t even get a job as a school crossing guard in New York. Look at him leading his grandchildren toward the helicopter — thank God there’s a Marine there to keep them from walking into the rotor.
He’s very wary of children, afraid they’ll pull off the wig. It’s from La Bouffant on 8th & 45th, 3rd floor. Horsehair. Palomino filly. I have receipts.
Trump shot a man on Fifth Avenue last year just to see if he could get away with it and he did. His base said, “Well, some people just need to be shot, that’s all. As a warning to the others.” Why is he so hung up on virility? Because the Army rejected him on account of bone spurs that you get from wearing high heels. Everybody knows that.
Just look at how he salutes the Marine honor guard — TOTAL DISASTER — it’s not a salute, it’s a little yoo-hoo. Uniforms are a huge turn-on for him. And when he salutes the flag, he doesn’t even look at it. Total disrespect for the flag. And the salute is very weak in the wrists. Know why there’s ABSOLUTELY NO video of him hitting a golf ball? Because (pardon me for being politically incorrect) he swings like a girl. And when he slices it into the parking lot, he tees up another ball. Mr. Mulligan. Mr. Multi-Mulligan.
He sits at that ridiculous little desk in the Oval Office and signs a presidential proclamation as if he’s Kim Jong-un or something and he holds it up like a kid holding up his school project that his mama wrote for him. The man can barely read, that’s why he hates TelePrompter. Total lightweight.
He is NOT A NICE PERSON and so the name Trump is as popular as herpes these days. Trumpet players have taken up the cornet. Card players refer to the lead suit as the jump suit. Tramps prefer to be called hobos, town dumps are now refuse heaps, and girls named Dawn are becoming Cheryls. To residents of his crummy building on Fifth Avenue, it’s now known as Chump Tower because it’s caused so much grief and tragedy for people. It wasn’t constructed — it was fabricated. FABRICATED. Plywood modules shipped down from Canada and installed by minimum-wage temps from Hoboken. I can prove this. I have documentation. The wind whistles through the tower at night, roaches the size of rats. Ask anybody.
People who voted for him are humiliated. So his ratings have tanked. The same people who admire him tend to drive Dodge Darts and wear sweatshirts from schools they didn’t attend. Nobody stays in his hotels except foreign CEOs and their tootsies. He is weak. Weak on #s, weak on 1st Amendment, worst president in history. Failed @ real estate and now @ politics. His record = BAD. First president in my lifetime who DOES NOT KNOW the words to “The Star-Spangled Banner.” The lips are not even moving.
He quit holding rallies in stadiums because nobody wants to go hear a loser brag about his manliness for an hour, you can hear that in any barroom. Only places he can draw a crowd are rural areas where billboards are riddled with bullet holes, shot by men who are angry because they can’t read. He is so over. Totally irrelevant, exhausted, flamed out. The sleepytime eyes and la-di-da hair and the tweet-tweet-tweet say it all. Real men don’t tweet. Ask anybody. We bark, we protest, we thunder, condemn, denounce, we give ’em hell, sometimes we post. Wimps tweet. And now the perps are going to start walking and talking. And the fat lady is waiting in the wings.

Garrison Keillor is an author, entertainer and former host of “A Prairie Home Companion.”
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"Reformation? Why Remember?"

October 30, 2017 1 Corinthians 16:13-14 - Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love. As far back as I can remember, I have celebrated Martin Luther and Reformation Day.  When I was a little Lutheran, I grew up in an Irish Catholic neighborhood. That means, every Friday, I said to the Catholic kids: "You have to have stinky, smelly, bony fish, while I'm having a burger for supper. I can have a burger because of Luther and the Reformation." Back then I could run fairly fast. On Ash Wednesday, all the Catholic kids had a cross of ashes prominently placed on their foreheads. That's why on Ash Wednesday we Lutheran lads would say to our Catholic counterparts, "What's that on your forehead? It looks like a target. I don't think I'd like the priest to put a target on my head. We don't have targets on our heads because of Martin Luther and the Reformation." Yup, back then I could run fairly fast. But times have changed, haven't they? In Catholic homes, Friday fish is an option, and in Lutheran churches the imposition of ashes is no longer a heresy. All of which explains why many people don't celebrate Reformation Day. Think about it: how many Reformation Day presents have you received? The newspapers haven't reminded us of how many shopping days were left until Reformation Day. The TV stations haven't told us where we can go to see the houses with the best Reformation Day lights, and my community doesn't have a Reformation Day parade or Reformation Day fireworks. I wonder how many of you are having a special Reformation Day meal today. There's no such thing as a Reformation Day turkey, and you don't hunt brightly-colored Reformation Day eggs, and Martin Luther doesn't come down your chimney to leave gifts. That's why Reformation Day has become a custom which is pretty much reserved for, and remembered by, a diehard group of pastors and laypeople who are perceived as having nothing better to do with their afternoons on the last Sunday in October. You see, we are living in an age which still needs a Reformation. In Luther's day the Church was making up laws and saying, "These have come from God." Today, many churches are taking God's laws and saying, "These no longer are in effect." In Luther's time the Church said, "You need to buy indulgences to be forgiven of your sin." Today, more than one church says, "Sin? What is sin?" Truly, our battles are not the same as Luther's because the pendulum of heresy has swung. That being said, in an age when political correctness has usurped the authority of the Word, the need for faithful preachers and committed Christians remains as strong as ever. The Savior still stands, His nail-pierced hands extended in welcome to all who are called to faith by the Holy Spirit. It is right that we point clearly and unerringly to the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. Ours is a time when God's people need to join with Luther and say, "Here I stand." THE PRAYER: Dear Lord, for the Reformers of the past, we give thanks. Grant that we, in our own age, may stand fast to the Scripture, and the Savior -- whose life was given so we might have forgiveness and eternal life. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

In Christ I remain His servant and yours, Pastor Ken Klaus Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour Lutheran Hour Ministries

"Crying Wolf"

"Crying Wolf" October 25, 2017 1 John 2:2 - He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world. We can all remember the childhood story of the boy who wrongly cried, "Wolf!" He got great pleasure out of watching his friends respond to his false alarms. Unfortunately, the lad did this so many times his fellow villagers stopped believing him. The last time he called for help, the people no longer were inclined to listen, and the lad ended up being supper for the wolf pack. That's a sad story.  Yes, we all know that story, but has anyone ever heard the counterpart, the opposite of that story? Has anyone ever heard about the boy who, when a wolf was present, didn't sound the alarm? Actually, most of us have. According to the timeline reported by ABC World News Tonight, the staff at the Las Vegas Mandalay Bay Hotel didn't let the police know anything was wrong until after Stephen Paddock started shooting at the 20,000 concert-goers. No, they didn't cry "Wolf!" and they didn't cry "Shooter!" • They didn't call out "Shooter!" when security guard Jesus Campos informed the hotel              authorities he had been shot in the leg. • Nor did they cry "Shooter!" when a maintenance engineer Stephen Schuck reported                someone had taken a shot at him. Schuck said, "Call the police! Someone is firing a gun up      here. Someone is firing a rifle on the 32nd floor down the hallway." Those shots in the hotel took place a full six minutes before Paddock opened up on the concert. Although nobody can say what might have happened if the police had been given those six extra minutes, I'm willing to suggest things couldn't have gotten much worse. Sadly, the same sort of thing is happening in the religious world. More and more pulpits are choosing to silence themselves and refusing to call wolf and warn people about the dangers of sin. In short, even though sin can kill eternally, these churches are not shouting any warnings. High up on these pastors' reasons for not preaching about the dangers of sin is they say "Jesus accepted everybody just the way they were. And since Jesus told us not to judge, we would be overstepping our boundaries by pointing out people's flaws and failings." In reply, pastors who are loyal to the Word, say, "It's true, Jesus did accept everyone the way they were, but He didn't leave them that way." More than once the Savior told people to go and "sin no more" (see John 8:11). If Jesus didn't believe in pointing out sin and calling people to repentance, why did He do so Himself? Matthew 4:17 says, "From that time Jesus began to preach, saying, 'Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.'" The truth is Jesus was born to save us from our sins, not let us sit and stew in them. John said it better than I when he wrote, "He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world." THE PRAYER: Dear Lord, I give thanks that Your grace sent Your Son into this world to carry my sins and save my soul. Grant that pulpits may proclaim the wonders of Your love and the greatness of Jesus' sacrifice to save us from sin. In His Name. Amen. The above devotion was inspired by a number of sources, including one carried by RARE news on October 12, 2017. Those who wish to reference that article may do so at the following link, which was fully functional at the time this devotion was written: click here.

In Christ I remain His servant and yours, Pastor Ken Klaus Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour Lutheran Hour Ministries

"Does Jesus Know You?"

Daily Devotions from Lutheran Hour Ministries By Pastor Ken Klaus, Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour

"Does Jesus Know You?" September 21, 2017 Matthew 25:10b-12 - (Jesus said) "... the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the marriage feast, and the door was shut. Afterward the other virgins came also, saying, 'Lord, Lord, open to us.' But he answered, 'Truly, I say to you, I do not know you.'" Pastor's Note: this devotion is probably not for you, but it may be for someone you know. If so, won't you make sure they get it? Thanks, Pastor Klaus Did you pay attention to the reading? Did you hear the last statement? Listen carefully: "He answered, 'Truly I say to you, I do not know you.'" That parable leads me to ask, does Jesus know you? It's an important question, one which I'm sure most, if not all of you, would be able to answer: "Yes, absolutely! The Holy Spirit has introduced us, and Jesus has personally forgiven my sins." Still, most of us can name someone who probably isn't known by the Savior. Let me explain. The president of the USA is Donald Trump. You probably know a few things about him. For example, you may know the name of his wife, some of his children, what he used to do for a living, and the address of his home when he is in Washington. Now, let me ask, since you know so much about President Trump, what do you think would happen if you went up to the White House and asked to see him? Maybe, in this day of heightened security, you might get to the front gate. There you'd be confronted by a guard. You tell the guard you'd like to see the president. How far do you think you're going to get? Do you think the guard will say, "No problem, come on in. The president is always glad to have strangers show up off the street"? That isn't a likely scenario, is it? In all probability, the guard would check his list to see if you were expected or had an appointment. He might ask, "Does the president know you?" What do you think would happen if you said, "Well no, the president really doesn't know me. Truth is, I never voted for him, and have spent some time criticizing him"? Having heard that, I think the best you could expect out of the guard would be "I'm sorry, sir, the president doesn't allow strangers to walk in unannounced." But suppose, just suppose the guard asked you, "Look, just how long do you think your visit with the president will take? Ten minutes? Fifteen? A half hour? How long do you think you'll want to be staying?" To that question you reply, "Well, I actually haven't thought about this as a visit. I really thought I'd come and live here." Hardly able to contain himself, the guard shoots back: "Let me get this straight. You don't like the president, have no use for him, have no appointment with him, and now you want to come in and freeload off him the rest of your life? Buddy, get out! We don't know you." Yes, that's the way it would be if you, uninformed, unannounced, and unexpectedly tried to go and live with the president. And that's the way it will be for those who try to get into heaven without any kind of relationship with the Savior. People cannot expect to spend their lives ignoring the Lord and, at the end, without any change, be invited in to stay with Him. So, does the Savior know you? There is still time for the Holy Spirit to make an introduction. There is still time for the Lord, who died and rose to rescue you, to extend a personal invitation to join Him in heaven. THE PRAYER: Dear Lord, grant that those who work so hard at ignoring Jesus, may have their hearts softened and be brought to a saving faith in their best and dearest Redeemer, Lord, and Friend. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

In Christ I remain His servant and yours, Pastor Ken Klaus Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour Lutheran Hour Ministries

"No Religion Here"

Daily Devotions from Lutheran Hour Ministries

By Pastor Ken Klaus, Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour

September 16, 2017 Revelation 2:10-11 - Do not fear what you are about to suffer. Behold, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and for ten days you will have tribulation. Be faithful unto death, and I will give you the crown of life. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches. Britain has another religious survey out. This one was conducted by the National Centre for Social Research. It's a simple enough survey. Its primary goal was to answer the question, "Do you have a religion or do you not?"  • In the year 1983, 31 percent of the people said they were without any religion. • Thirty-four years later, in 2017, 53 percent of the respondents said they have no faith. Period. • When the question was asked of the 18-to-24-year-old crowd, the percentage went screaming up to 71 percent. One individual, Dr. Richard Land of Southern Evangelical Seminary, has tried to decipher the downward trend. His interpretation is not too hard to understand. He holds that the problem all stems from the leadership of the church constantly questioning Scripture, denying fundamental doctrines, and denying God's truth. I guess Dr. Land is just sharing some common sense. It stands to reason: if you've been led to believe that God has lied to you in one area, there's no reason to think He won't do the same somewhere else. And if the Lord cannot be trusted or held to a higher level of accountability than the average conman, well, who needs Him? Although we can be sure there are other factors which have played a part in this mass desertion, the theory goes far in explaining what has happened in England. And it can go just as far in warning us what could happen to the church in the U.S. of A. Right now, there are three things standing between America and Britain's mass exodus. The first is the Holy Spirit. It is He who is the founder, protector, and the strengthener of the church. Without Him, all would be lost. The second bastion against the church's erosion is a clergy that speaks the Lord's Word in love. These men of the cloth speak when the Lord speaks and are silent when God is silent. They are shepherds when it is time to lead, and they are servants when the flock needs assistance. The third force for faithfulness is a laity that remains committed to Word and Sacrament. They are gentle to the weak and lovingly call back the wandering. They sing like they mean it at worship, and their witness is powerful, positive, and joyful. Now I know you can look at my definitions above and come up with something better. You may readily think I have missed the boat altogether. I won't argue; it is possible. If that is how you feel, then, please write down your list of what the church needs to succeed as it proclaims the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. THE PRAYER: Dear Lord, grant that Your church may know how to live and work so that we bring a great and powerful witness to our Savior who has died and risen to redeem us. Keep us from sour faces and sad proclamation. This I ask in Jesus' Name. Amen. The above devotion was inspired by a number of sources, including one written by Steve Jordahl for One News Now on September 6, 2017. Those who wish to reference that article may do so at the following link, which was fully functional at the time this devotion was written: click here. In Christ I remain His servant and yours, Pastor Ken Klaus Speaker Emeritus of The Lutheran Hour Lutheran Hour Ministries